Sometimes its better to put on the mask.

teh world

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 08:12:51 GMT

Life beats on! I got the job I was trying to get at Brookestone, score=1!

Been workin there a lot lately, which is kinda wearing on me. But it's no biggie. It's kind of nice actually. I occasionally do just wish I was working and living on my own. But the people I've met here are the biggest incentive (other than knee shattering debt) to keep pushing on into the college dream. In truth, when I first came to college I anticipated dropping out again like I did at CBC. This is a school for people with passion and talent, both of which I usually cannot find. I still don't actually believe that I have enough of either to make it out of here with a degree. I've always kinda had the problem of never having a goal, or anything I really want to obtain. It's weird to me that everyone I've met has such passions and such when I never really had anything of the sort. I feel like I've wasted so much of my parents money and hope being here, and I'm very afraid of the future concerning them and my inability to want to make something of myself. I never liked how strongly my parents pushed the idea that I'm special on me. I know what I am, and the level of mediocrity of anything I have to do with. They wanted so much to do something different with their lives I'm sure, and when they had me that kinda fucked that up. So they pushed their surpressed ambitions onto me thinking that somehow the child they were unpreppared to have was going to be prodigal in every sense of the word. Grr. Animosity and angst starts coming out when I get tired.

Going to sleep.

Updated!

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 03:11:15 GMT

I did a small update to the lj. Lol I guess it's no secret that my new favorite anime is Bleach.

The last few projects of the term are coming up here shortly and it seems like it will go alright. My motion broadcast grapchis final is gonna be fun. I'm going to do a logo treatment for Capcom with a megaman tribute. Lol Meagan will prolly like it. Tho I'm actually a little afraid to show her anything I've worked on, beign that she's a ninja at the whole video/graphics thing and I feel that I am still mediocre at best. I kinda wanna work in a recording studio, I think it'd be awsome.

I will finish that damned r/p application soon! Once I get some free time @.@....

Hm.

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:03:42 GMT

Now that I have revived the once mummified lj I must think of what sort of new layout I want for it.

I also need to figure out when to sleep as I tend to keep myself awake till about 4am when I have shit tons of things to do the next day.

I gotta pay some bills, take/print some pin hole pics, finish and put together a script, set up and record for my ADR, do some snazzy little logo piece for my broadcast graphics class, and figure out when this cute girl I talked to today and I will hang out.

For once the usual habit of loosing all sense of bravery and vocabulary when talking to a girl you find attractive did not occur. Kudos to me.

I also might actually have another job rather than the progressively more irritating RA job. Brookestone is a few steps way from hiring me, and I've also had an interview at Spencer's Gifts which I think went pretty well. Brookestone says their position will more than likely be temporary so I'm really hoping for Spencer's. The manager there was really nice and casual, which made working there seem increasingly more desirable.

My new rp character I'm creating for this rather intimidating forum is almost complete (been thinking a lot on how I want his personality to turn out) but I don't think I'll apply to the forum till my intensive pinhole class is over here in about 2 weeks. I'll have more time on my hands.

Getting tired tho now so I think I'll go sleepy.

it still exists...!

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 11:08:25 GMT

Wow I thought my lj would have been deleted after being dormant for so long. Who'da thunk it.

Maybe I'll employ it again.

flipping threw the pages inside my head

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 08:35:42 GMT

So recently Erin added me as a friend on myspace. I thought it was kinda odd, I figured she hated me along with....Lar. (feel uneasy mentioning her again)

But I guess thats cool, I don't have anything against her. Mike messaged me too which was kinda cool, been outa touch for a long time. Any way I commented back on Erin's page and in doing so I noticed Lar's myspace pic. With out much thought I clicked on it and went to her page. I didn't really look around, just kinda went blank. She's still pretty. Awkward is the best way to put the way I felt just looking at her page and thinking that. So much hate and anger there, mutually. Well... I don't think I'm angry any more. I left her page after a few seconds. Thinking about her kinda lowers my mood a little.

I tripped on Acid for the first time. It was kinda dissapointing compaired to mushrooms. Been partying a lot lately, which is odd because closer to the end of the term we get larger projects to harass out free time.

I feel like I've been running back and forth for a couple of differant girls lately (getting them all drugs lol, I'm such a bad guy). Kinda tiring me out.

I wonder when Quincy gets back from her trip thing. I'm bored.

Hungry too.

mmm, money.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 20:09:15 GMT

I finally got paid for being an RA. $170. Rather nice being a consumer again lol.

Other than that last night was Mardigras night I guess. So me and some people had a party. Twas cool. Much beer and cards were incolved. We played a round of kings and then just kinda leasurely drank. Well I shotgunned a beer or two for fun to get a little more plastered. Jeniece got a bit tipsy and asked me why I wasn't going out with Quincy which draws out a complex answer I think. While I was buzzed I realized jeneice is kinda cute, a little odd, but cute.

Awkward moments man. Awkward.

I don't really want anything serious right now, and I really hate the fact that I'm in a situation bound by my conscience. I hate that. I like her, but I don't want to be her b/f. It'll hurt her in the end and I'm being worse by not just killing it where it lies, I know this.

bad ian.

Constrictor.

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 17:56:54 GMT

I'll show no mercy to your skin so white.
Close to your dreams with hopes of their end in sight.
I'll wrap around your body, my thorns encroaching in.
Each single spire aiming for you're heart I thought was forgiven.
Intrusive twists and whispers are you're lullabies for now.
Play coy with me, so seducing, dare to ask me "how".
You'll shiver to my touch, your body crying in red.
I pull so tight you'll whimper, worry not, I won't leave you for dead.
Inside your carnal memories I'll reach and force you to remember.
I'll make you remember the time before I became your agony in December.
You're arms and legs are bound as I carve in my muses.
You're hands and feet now also, covered in cuts and bruises.
Carnal love is stripped, into your womb I tore.
I'll wrench into you deeper, hold you down some more.
You'll find nothing outside my embrace of thorns that I will let you see.
I'll keep you inside forever, deep down caged in thorns inside me.

So very twisted.

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 02:26:41 GMT

I saw a bulletin on myspace from erin that Lar's myspace got deleted. I found it a little amusing, but at the same time that prolly sucks some savage ass. She had a Lot of work done to her page. Any way I've had my first class of the term and it was actually rather fun. Basic Web design. It's at 8am on monday morning though...bleh. I hate mornings.

On a random note, I've really been wanting a tattoo on my left palm lately. Perhaps a small like a simple pentagram or something.

I've been rather irate lately. Last saturday when I went snowboarding I was so pissed off at the world I had rationalized getting a grey hound ticket to the Tri-cities to slash some ones tires or jump them in a cowardly way. That soon passed after some rather volent mood swings and day dreams. Trust me when a girl that likes you is sitting next to you in a car while your daydreaming about savagely killing your old friends then yourself it doesn't really help the intimacy level. Though it does bring to light the fact that you need help. But people here are helping a good deal with my...instability. I have no problem being fucked any more though, my reasons for not being a fucked up individual have ababdoned me because I wasn't a good enough person to them.

Smile for every one Ian, they'll stop watching eventually.

need to just get shit out.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 02:44:22 GMT

I need to figure out what the fuck is going on in me. I destroyed what could have been a great friendship because I couldn't control myself and I kept freaking out. But how do you let go of all those feelings? I know the feelings between me and Lar are dead, I fucking burried them myself. I like her still, not like I used to admitedly, but I can't let go of all of it. It was the same for her before I turned shithead on her. Like I said I don't know how to let go of things, I dragged shit on till it went beyond fucked up.

I feel guilty, better, and horrible all at the same time. I think I got a small hold on my feelings, it just took some one I care about wanting me out of their life to do it. I have to give it time, but I'm even worse at waiting than I am at controlling myself. I hope that Erin will forgive me too. She tried to help me threw this even though she's Lar's friend before she's mine.

There are only a few people that make me feel like hell right now. But ther are a good number more that are helping me feel a lot better. It's a good feeling to know that people will still support you even when shit becomes too much for you and you loose yourself. Marie helped me a lot, and so did Quincie. Oddly enough there are a lot of others that I wouldn't have expected to care too much. Ashely osborn, Max, Kira, Liz...wish there was a few guy names in there but I don't really hang out with a lot of guys. I need to do some major work on myself before I let some one else be close to me or let myself get close to any one. No one deserves being hurt.

Lar didn't deserve dealing with me freaking out on her.

twitch, motherfucker.

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 15:58:19 GMT

Normally I'm not one to post lyrics at random, but as I was browsing purevolume I noted the lyrics of a certain song. The band wasn't that great, but the song was almost too specific. The lyrics brought negative thoughts to me for the first time sense I got wired.

Love/Misery:

"(man:)Doesnt it make you sick to know
Some ones holding the girl you love?

(woman:)The thought of him inside of me
Would make you sick with jealousy

(man:)If I could have whats mine tonight
I'd take back all my wasted time
And I'd have it all but it wouldnt be enough"

Nice and mood crashing. But I press on. Being that I can't sleep or hold still very well yet leads me to believe that I won't be sleeping for a while so I'm looking for new music to listen too. This band, Heart-Set Self Destruct is pretty good. Their song "Unlock the Razorblades" has some awsome lyrics.

Any way, I find my thinking process is back to normal but my body is still kinda lit up. It's like I drank too much caffine. I sent a warning message to some one that should, probably, be warned about me. I'm not sure if it'll piss off the wrong target tho. Not that I'm worried about the person I sent it to in any way. Enough about that tho it's killing my slightly better than usual mind set.
Me and Kyle have been hanging out more this time I'm here which is cool. Haven't really gotten to do so as much as I'd like in the last year or so. I've also been hanging out with Chelsea so she doesn't think I hate her or flip out on me for not seeing the family. It's been cool tho, she gave me some adoral which I'm now totally in love with. I figure it's about the point in my life were I make some huge mistake with my choices, almost loose everything, then learn some ultimate lesson and move on being a better person etc... My life line on either hand is strange, or so I've been told. One hand has a point where it splits in two then comes back together. The other hand has the line stray and stop then another line starts kinda on it's side and finishes out. So I'll live a double life at some point, or my life will go to shit then something weird will happen and I'll restart from a point a bit behind it. Maybe I'll go comatose and loose a few years of memory, that'd be interesting.
When I talked to Lar most recently she told me I should be doing all the things I want to do in life. Though as most know most things I want to do are not necessarily the nicest or most humane/legal things ever. There are so many ways I want to indulge myself. Things I want to own, things I want from people, things I want to do to people (both good and bad), so many things I want to try. The list goes on as all people's true desires do. In admitance I get rather...anxiouse or worried when I hear of Lar doing some newer things outside of the norms I knew about her. Envious is a word I could use too....
I always get to hear about how she goes out drinking with all her friends or going to Denny's with every one at like 2am. So jealous (the denny's in portland closes at 1am, fucking shitheads). I want to do those things with her and every one else I know here too. Fuck life, taking the things I want because it's "just how life is". Bullshit. I'm not letting people slip away any more. It's pointless to be a fucking stepping stone, it's time life gave me back some of what I gave to all the people I've cared about.

Eww, that turned into a shitty thought process. Lets try and pull the angsty cock out of my ass. I'm stoked to finally be able to get some things for people now that I have a little money to use. I know of 2 things I need to buy, one I'm not sure where to find here or which to pick from. It's weird being up this early on X-mas. I've been on myspace and the net for around 5.5 hours. It's 7:30 in the morning already. I only have on gift under the tree and I already know what it is cause my mom wrapped it in front of me. Lol, my moms airheaded like that. I wonder how Lar's present stash is going, she needs a good amount for having her b-day today too. (Fuck ian have a thought independant from your goddamn feelings for her for once, before I do I want to add that Lar mentioned she got her prom dress already. I immediatly had the urge to ask her to go to with me, but she'd have to ask me to it lol. I'm fairly sure she wants to go with Zack right now any way, I'd still like to take her though.)

I've added people's blogs to my subscription list on myspace, feel like I should start being more social on that site. That's what it's for. I've always been demanding people stay in contact with me and I've never made any effort. I'm gonna start doing so. I'm gonna hound you all till the day I'm dead. Which as of late seems like a day I'll be deciding upon soon. I'm tired of being depressed and tired, but so far only chemicals have had a good effect. Suggestions? Ugh, it's hard keeping a relatively positive train of thought. I think I've come clost to running out of things to say.

GODDAMNIT I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO CHANGE THE HORRIBLE WAY I FEEL OR I'LL ROT AWAY INSIDE.

it's so easy to say things....it's hard to back it up.

ugh...

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:26:05 GMT

The moment I wake up this morning I got that familiar nausea that comes from stress. I'm not too sure why this time. I'm not really bothered a whole lot by much right now. Maybe Phil got me sick.....
Fucker.
Any way I'm home now. Thanks to Lar and Erin for picking me up. I kinda felt outa the loop when they were talking about a lot of stuff, but hey I can work around that. It just takes a little effort. They're going to the Gozzling show tonight, which sounds worth going to. I haven't really heard how they sound sense they changed their name from Loudermilk. So that sounds fun. I didn't wanna invite myself with Lar and Erin cause it sounds like their going with their friend's. I might just go by myself to do something other than sit around. I tried calling kyle to see if he wanted to go, but alas he is broke. I might go hang out with him. I might not be ready to see Lar in flirt mode yet. But fuck me sideways if I'm gonna do anything to upset her again. Kinda weird going back to friends. There's a whole lot of emotion I still need to find a place and a use for. Fuck, I need a hobby.
Update on random events in my life. A chick I know in Portland(fuckin)Oregon told me recently that I handle women poorly. I'm sure this is partially true, but then she went into great detail about it....
I objectify them.
I manipulate them.
I use them.
I push my pent up anger on them.
I lie threw my teeth to them.

Shit, man. I knew I wasn't a prized catch but that one still hurt a bit. She's a friend, and this was just her observations on how I interact with her roomates and such. Bleh. I needs to make some revisions to my personality again. Both Erin and Lar give me looks like I'm a fucking goober now. I've been hanging out with too many nerds....Emotional scalpel time!! Gotta go watch House first so I can pretent I know what I'm talking about tho. It's weird how every once in a while when you wanna just remake yourself for the hell of it. As of late I've had so much time on my hands I had to find things to do. I fixed my tower so it's kinda alive, just need internet now. Brian is gone so there was one less person to hang out with. Sure he was a bit of a nerd, but he sure as hell tried his best to be a friend to me. So I don't care if some gooberness in me came from him. I enjoyed meeting him. Phil was god awful sick, and Heather was hunting my ass to help move her shit and possibly rape me (not even if my cock was gonna fall off if I didn't). Quincie, Liz, and Marie are all gone for the holidays. Joe is all chummy with his g/f (fucking sickening after a bit I tell you). So in my lack of company I probably spent at least $40 in texts to Lar (still love texting her, makes the day better) and had to find other ways of amusing myself. I beat ff9 again, and got around a 4th of the way threw lunar2.

Then, after all that was said and done, I still had too much "ian time" to not go introspective. I've been....less happy than usual, and tired all the time, and I'm kinda sick of it. I don't like how I loose sense of self in dire situations. I've been lost inside my own head for too long. I withdrew from everything so much it's hard getting back into who I was. Kinda like putting a glove on backwards. I need to find out who I am now, I need new music, new style, new things to do....or something. I need to find out how Larissa can just know the things about herself that I can hardly ever find out about myself.(random though: Lar is still so damned hot, fucking-A I was lucky)

It's really hard talking to any one in general now. Not just Lar. I need to stop being such a pussy and just do something. I kinda wanna stop by Southridge and talk to people I haven't seen in a while, but Erin informed me coming to school would not be a good idea...Still don't know why. (goddamnit my stomach feels all fucking weird now.) You know what I just thought? (pointless to ask, but I felt the need) I really hate how no matter what everything I do is half assed or just not good enough. Shit never works in my life. My computer, my van (the dash broke), my ps2, the internet, my cell (speakers have been fucking up), my relationships, my personality, more shit that I can complain about that I don't even care to list because of pointlessness and lack of motivation. I don't enjoy being me any more, I lived it up too much in my senior year to even want to compair my life now to then.

After highschool, you know what I became everyone? A looser. College doesn't mean shit, your just being a student for longer trying to avoid life. I can't hold or get a job. I can't even keep myself happy, how can I expect me to keep other people happy. I love how all my thoughts become a shitshoot straight to depression.

Help me out here people. I'm pissing away life, and I have a hard time stopping.

A sense of purpose.

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 03:51:20 GMT

So here I am again choosing to write down my thoughts on some site. I've decided I don't really feel like putting this on myspace. (Been a bit neurotic about that site lately). Lar and I broke up recently, I don't feel like writing out what happened or the details. I've dragged it on enough. I do find in the absense of my strong relationship with her has left a very.....aimless feeling in me. I have very little homework or projects right now. Every one else is either busy with thiers or going out and doing things that require fair amounts of cash (that I don't have after being fired). So I find myself with more time than I need to think about whats happened and about my feelings. And it never helps. All I do is mull around in my feelings so much that they get all swirled together and hard to understand or control. When this happens I usually tend to drag along the most depressing or unecessary things with the person I miss. Which I'm sure is not helping Lar and I stay friends. I really want to still be in her life, but I don't want to act the way I am now while I'm in it. I'm so tired of being weak and uncertain. I want to stand up and fucking dtermined step in some direction. Anything is better than the emotional nowhere I'm at now.

Goddamn my inability to regulate the strength of my emotion. For once my dad's sagely advice wasn't a help.
"The best way tp get over a girl kid....is to "get over" a girl."
Yeah...not on my list of things to do dad.

Any way all these realizations always come a bit late for them to have made a dent in the problem at hand.

I'm always just "not quite enough" in every aspect of life.

i'm still here!

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 01:07:00 GMT

I got a "some one posted" email from lj and it jarred my memory and I was like, "Oh yeah I have a live journal." So here I am making a post. I've been absent from the net for a good time on aim, lj, and myspace because there's no leechable signals in my apt building atm. The guy I liked to leech from got kicked out of housing so no more signal from him, and the other one I was using must've changed his password (i got it from one of his old roomies a few weeks ago). So I'll be on less for a bit until I can either afford internet (if chipotle ever gives me a straight answer as to whether or not I'm hired) or leech it again. Free net is a beautiful thing people. I hope the city counsel passes the free wifi area thing I've heard about.

Any way as I write this I'm looking for images for my into to comp. craphics class. I got the subject of gun control but the teacher says he wants to see a lot of creativity in the singal image we'll eventually be making. So I'm gonna make it an anti-bush/war/guns thing. Putting the assignment together is gonna me kinda annoying though, the teacher is really anal about the way it's presented.

I was talking to lar the other night learning about how she was very upset over Erin ditching her to go to prom with mike. I guess they'd had plans all week to go to the corn maze. I kinda feel bad cause I wasn't there to take her, because I know no matter how much she explains how she doesn't want to go she really does. That and whenever your g/f or significant other is crying it usually kinda makes you upset and/or pissed off. So yeah I'm a little angry that Erin waited until the day of prom to tell lar she wasn't going but whatever.
random fact: me and lar have been together for a year and a half now!

I hope I get a job at Chipotle (mexican grill) so that I can finally have enough money to get some new school supplies and save up to take weekends to see lar.

More later doing some photoshop work.

sweet merciful leaping shit!

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 23:37:46 GMT

As a few have read I was recently very stressed out over my second programming project. Well I just got my final assignment.....

All I can really hear right now is the sound of my sanity screaming as it's burning alive.

I have to create an interface that creates and can control a solar system. I must be able to set the size of the sun and add X number of planets. The user must be able to specify the distance from the sun, the size, and speed of the orbit for each planet. I must make the rotation using SIN and COS in my procedures.
Thats for a C. Yes people thats a BASIC grade. I'm probably more unerved than necessary over this semi-reasonable (on some planet) amount of work. I can have the teacher explain how to use the sin and cos thingy cause he said he'd help people with that, but as for rotation speed and distance from the sun I'm gonna hve a bit of trouble.

But I think I can do it. Then I'll be free of this evil class and be off to my new major, Interactive Media Design! Shibby! It still has a good amount of programming work, but this is more html-esq stuff. So it will be more fun and worthwhile (to me) to learn. Plus I'll want to be able to make a site for a web comic me and a few pals are brewing.

This may spark a little attention from a few. It's going to be called "Students by the Yards". more later = class over

back

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 21:10:10 GMT

Once again in programming class. I figured out most of my assignment and the immediat releif of stress felt orgasmic. I did get really pissed off that I couldn't come home last weekend. I went blind with rage in the middle of a busy street and stopped walking. A car honked so I jogged across and just got so pissed off that I wasn't even angry any more I was just absent with words. I found out my dad is using seeing my girlfriend as an ultimatum for me gettign a job. So this week I applied at denny's to be a busser or a host. So we're lying to my dad saying I already have the job so I can come home for the weekend to see Lar. I don't even know what I would have done if they had told me no again.

Probably freak out on them, swear at them, make them not want to speak to me for a long time, or vice versa. But I am coming home for the weekend so yayness. Next weekend lar is coming here! So we can see ech other more than once this month! We have to see each other at least once a month.

I will make certain of that.

lack of updates

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 07:31:08 GMT

Well life has caught up with me causing me to be busy or sleeping. Sorry for the lack of insight into my world. My classes have all been going ok up until today. My programming class blew the brain out of my skull today. I have little to no idea how to do 90% of the assignment. Which sucks cause it's worth a lot a points (in a total points class). It unerves me because its a programming class, a class I'm majoring in, but I'm not excelling at it like I should be. Admitedly it's programming for the artist which uses an abnormal script in Maya, an unstable program. All the GUI stuff I picked up with ease but most of the newer stuff didn't stick at all. If-else statements are simple enough, but I'm horrible with the syntyax, and as for procerdures I'm horrible at understanding them. I've found that I can't plan out code well, but once I've seen a code that works it sticks well. I can see errors in most code and code syntax, but writing my own code....almost impossible for me.

My other classes are cake though, all I do is draw in class, play with photoshop, or learn about logic in writing and statements. Easy, almost unworth the money my parents are spending. On that note my grandparents on one side pulled out on my school funding meaning my parents might need to take out a loan so I can go to school...which makes me very uneasy. It puts a lot more mental stress on me knowing my parents are literally putting the assholes on the line thinking that their son is infallable and determined. Neither of which is true. I'm so unsure of myself now, the fact that I'm so unable to figure out my programming work has shaken my faith in myself. I have so much work to do on this project, but I have 2 weeks to do it and no idea how. The teacher did say this was the hardest stuff in the class but it still doesn't make me feel any better about not understanding it at all.

I swear I have a learning deficiancy.....called unmotivation.

Other than that I've been trying to stop drinking mt.dew and other caffinated beverages so that I can actually get real sleep again. It's given me headaches and mood swings, munchies and the dry heaves. I also miss Lar a lot. The last time she was here it just became so natural so fast I got used to the idea of her living in the same place as me. We'd need a queen sized matress so I don't push her off the damned bed sence I hog it in my sleep and she's to nice to push me over a little. Speaking of her she's on a vacation to the beach with her mom, which is cool I just hope she gets over the sickness she had right before she left.

Wow next week is midterms...crazy. Time is going by so fast.

mmm early mornin times

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 12:45:38 GMT

I decided not to sleep tonight. Food stamps interview in....3 hours. Thats gonna be great. Then probably right around when that gets out I can go pick up Lar from the train station. YAYness!

man accents are funny

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 08:35:53 GMT

So the other night in my insomniac midterm I decided to call Alan. The british ringer is weird I tell you. He picks up with some snazzy fake answer cause he knew I was calling. I have to say I had a few moments where I had to stifle a laugh listening to his accent. I'm sure he found the way I talk to be amusing also. Being that when I hear my recorded voice I think I sound like moron. We exchanged a few stories, and I dazled him with the unluck of the ian. (i'm drunk btw wee!) Coke+rum=cool. mt.dew+rum=fucking schweet. We talked about meagan (and her secret hate for the ian), ratha, and the many traps a I walk myself into verbally.

more later

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 23:05:55 GMT

I live! Don't worry. I just don't have net in my apt yet. SO I'll be seen less until more wireless signals pop up into existance near my apt. Short sygnopsis of Ian's first 2 classes, figure construction sucks ninja ass, programming for the artist was......fun.

I think I am a programmer after all.

the weirdness

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 07:55:02 GMT

I went to a friends 18th b-day. It was weird because I found out she's engaged now. So weird to see people so young taking such huge steps, specially knowing how they are. That and almost every one there was super lovey with their signifacant other. I kinda wished Lar was there, I felt kinda lonely with out her.

I love getting to spend time with her. We even went camping and it was fucking awsome. She hasn't been feeling well as of late though and I'm a little worried but I think she'll be alright. I thought it was sweet of her to do so much for me, she planned and payed for almost all of it.

I wonder what I'd do with out her....Probably not a lot. I wouldn't be motivated to do anything with myself. I know I wouldn't be as happy. I think of her as some one I think I can be with for a long time. I can't even imagine marraige at this age, and sometimes at all in my future. But I do think I could live with her. I imagine she'd get anoyed with me smothering her all the time though. Cause it's hard to keep my hands of some one so sexy. ^ ~

I do know one thing we'd have to get over....Putting ourselves down. She does it a lot, and I'm no better about it. I know I'm not that bad but I still find myself fishing for compliments. But Lar genuinly thinks she's ugly. Which just fucking blows my mind cause she makes me melt like ice in a tight girl.

I have a super hott g/f and I realize I am very lucky because of it. It makes look at every girl and think "she's nothing compaired to Lar." But I have a tendancy of being flirty and I really hate it. I'm trying to stop cause I don't want to send the wrong signals. I don't want anyone thats not Lar.

Well I'm just gonna say the same mushy shit over and over in different ways if I go on so I'll just sum it up.

I loves me woman!

in town

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 02:04:39 GMT

Lol I'm in town for maybe 2 hours and I'm already bored....Damnit I need Larissa and people NOW!

nekkid

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 10:02:18 GMT

I saw 200 or so naked people riding bikes tonight.

Weird eh?

there is a man i want dead

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 05:31:29 GMT

So...Ian is a jealous person who also happens to be paranoid. I'm very tired of this guy named zac. If he doesn't calm his shit down with lar I might just fucking punch him out. Ian is in a very angry mood. I'm not mad at lar or anything, I'm just real tired of this mother fucker trying to get all close to her.

But the real shitty part is the main reason I hate him. He can make lar smile like I do.

I don't like that. And theres nothing I can do about it.

I feel that when I'm up here there's no way for me to make her happy. I hate that I'm not there when she needs me. All this time I sit around I think about her and how I could be doing something with her right then. But then I get pissed off cause I was dumb enough to pick the first college that came to mind, move away from something wonderful, and destroy my happiness. I do regret coming here, and I admit that I am unhappy here and wish I could give up and come home. But that'd make me even more of a loser than I am now. There's no way I'd be able to go to another college when I think I'm ready, my family wouldn't back me any more. Which I guess is just in it's own way. I mean to them I'd just be a spoiled kid who gave up thinking it was a free ride. But whatever, my parents always assume the worst about me cause they fucked up when they were nice and young. That fuck up is now close to 19 years of age with no will power or direction in life. How does some one know what they want to be. I mean every one else around me is sure of themsleves and what they want. I just don't really care about anything really. other than enjoying my relationship with my girl that I love and being alive.

I don't even know what I'm aiming to write any more.

I miss larissa, I'm unhappy here, I wish I could do something about this guy she could end up falling for in my absence.

Something is just,,,,wrong.

gangsta's paradise

Sat, 28 May 2005 09:20:48 GMT

I saw that movie Dangerous Minds for the first time today and now I have the aformentioned Coolio song in my head. Not much important to report on this night before I visit home. My english teacher told me I write like I'm on LSD, I guess thats worth honorable mention. I've never had a teacher tell me I suck that much before, but it's no new thing. I did bad in my first eng 101 class at CBC too. My guess is that I'll be an average C student, well if I'm lucky.

FEAR ME FOR I AM IAN THE AVERAGE!!!!!

Lol, I thought about getting a test render printed of my 3d modeling so I could show my parents, but I was so tired from my allergies beating the shit out of my lungs to do so. I might bring some art (or ians twisted version of art) with me though.

in class...

Sat, 21 May 2005 03:23:51 GMT

Well I am a little releived actually, I have to do less work than I had anticipated within the next week for 3d modelling than I though. It's still a decent amount of stuff that I need to do in total, but I guess I do have a realistic amount of time for the work. We'll see how mcuh I get from my other classes though. Drawing may eat up some time...PVC I just need to start studying some terms and concepts, Game development I think will be relatively easy. English shouldn't be too bad, just a paragraph for my next assignment and I think one more essay. I may be able to make it threw my first terms last couple weeks.

@.@